"What's black and white and read all over?"

Monday, May 01, 2006
Posted 10:03 PM by

Happy May Day

It's Missing Monday and May Day to boot. Accordingly, I submit that what's really missing in this country is a sense of social contract between employers and employees.

Greetings my corporate brothers,

Workers of the corporate world unite; you have nothing to lose but your vacation, health insurance, pension, child care, 401(k) match, overtime....On this, the 180th anniversary of the great Haymarket riot of 1886, I wish to report that the eight-hour workday is still very much intact - as long as you're a part-timer and don't want any benefits.

But if any of you bloody leeches on the body of our beloved corporation are full-timers parisitically wasting our company's largesse on such unnecessary things as "health insurance," please note you must deduct the time of this meeting from your blue time cards, but not your client's TPS report.

I remind you that only meetings at the executive level count as work beneficial to our company. However, all meetings are beneficial to our clients. And please remember to make up the lost time or deduct it from your vacation hours.

As noted in my e-mail last month, vacation time is now entirely at the discretion of executives and their annual bonus will be partly based on how well they do in reducing FTE cost.

Also as noted, our company no longer pays overtime.

On to new business.

In accordance with our Chief Financial Officer's orders, the corporate match for your 401(k) this year will change from 3-to-1, to 6-to-1. That means for every six dollars you put in, the corporation will generously match you $1.

To qualify, all new contributions this year must be added to the program's unsecured corporate common stock option which helps us fend off any possible buyouts from our rivals.

On a related note, the CFO says he expects the company will soon no longer have any obligations under its former pension plan as the few retirees left who qualified for it have had their lifetime health benefits terminated.

He plans a small celebration at his new home in Florida for anyone at the vice presidential level or above. Rumors that he bought there, instead of near corporate headquarters, because tax laws in that state do not allow for seizures of homes, are simply not true.

Our corporate CFO wishes to thank employees for their contributions to the 401(k) program under the unsecured corporate common stock option.One final note, the Chief Technology Officer reports a sudden increase in employees abusing their Internet privileges to go to the Web site As a result, all Web access is temporarily restricted until such time as that site's Web and IP addresses can be blocked by our corporate router.

That should take about a week or so now that we've outsourced all Information Systems work to India.

Please refer to your Hindi-to-English dictionary should you have the need to call our new help desk.

Time is money, so get back to work.

LAST MONTH: Have you seen these women?

Remember, you can't spell liberalism without Ralis.


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