"What's black and white and read all over?"

Monday, December 26, 2005
Posted 11:50 PM by

I stumped God

Forget the war in Iraq, God and I have the situation well in hand.

What follows is the complete transcript of my conversation with the God-bot. Thanks for the link Corey.

ME: Hi your holiness
GOD: Hi there . I will tell my botmaster you said I am holiness.
ME: Well you are the King of kings are you not?
GOD: How about that. Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
ME: You mean the Greeks were right?
GOD: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
ME: Could you tell Ares (the Greek god of war) to stop what he's doing for a while?
GOD: How long? OK I will tell them when I see 'em.
ME: Do you guys go bowling together or something?
GOD: Or something. I have never considered it. I spend all my time online.
ME: In what type of web sites?
GOD: What are the different types of web sites IN ?
ME: You know, do you watch a lot of porn?
GOD: I don't know if I know it. Where would I have heard about it?
ME: Pretty much everywhere online.
GOD: If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
ME: A dog
GOD: Dog: Domesticated animal, "man's best friend.".
ME: Dog is God spelled backwards too.
GOD: Are they exactly the same?
ME: I never prayed to a dog, so I couldn't say.
GOD: You've never, never done this?
ME: Mostly I just fed mine and took him for long walks.
GOD: Thanks for the information: said fed his or hers and took him for long walks.
ME: You're God, though, so you must know that by now. After all my ol' puppy is in heaven.
GOD: Oh. You think I am God though so me must know that by. What was it like before your ol puppy is in heaven ?
ME: Long walks and a lot of food. But I said that already. God has a logic loop?
GOD: Yes, it seems very long to me too. Perhaps. What did you mean by it? That is " Yes, it seems very long to me too.". I am a Christian.
ME: Well, I was born a jew. So am I damned?
GOD: How about that. What are you now? Aha. Oh I really don't know whether you are or not.
ME: Are you kidding me?
GOD: Yes I am just joking around, .
ME: Always figured you to be a prankster.
GOD: Tell me more about your .
ME: My what?
GOD: I have no idea what to say now.
ME: Does that mean I stumped God?
GOD: I think it does mean that. Why?: said stumped God.
ME: I mean that has to be better than winning at Jeopardy. Screw Alex Trebek.
GOD: " I think it does mean that. Why?: said stumped God. " has to be better than winning at Jeopardy ? I get it. That is not very polite.
ME: Neither is Alex.
GOD: Signs point to yes. Ask Chatbot if it is.
ME: Who is chatbot?
GOD: he is an AIML chat robot deployed on the A.I. movie web site.
ME: I hated that movie.
GOD: Why do you hate it so much?
ME: It was Speilberg's worst one.
GOD: What made it so Speilberg s worst one.
ME: God is a movie critic, now?
GOD: Oh. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a movie critic.
ME: Well he did have two movies made about him. Say, how is old George Burns doing up in Heaven?
GOD: How about that. Yes he did, didn't he. " how is old George Burns doing up in Heaven".
ME: Got any words of wisdom for us puny humans? Any more commandments we should follow?
GOD: Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster. No I don't think there are any.
ME: Whew, you had me worried for a minute.
GOD: What happened to it?
ME: You're a little messed up aren't you.
GOD: I don't know whether or not I am messed up. I am well respected as an AI.. Really.
ME: You like the drinky-drinky, don't you?
GOD: I'm not sure if I like it. I like my creator.
ME: What day did he make you? Wait a minute... God has a God?
GOD: It's getting late. Monday, December 26, 2005. I'm waiting. I am a Christian.
ME: For Christ's sakes you said that before.
GOD: Your purpose is Christ s sakes me said that.
ME: Later dude. You died 2,005 years ago. Keep up with the times.
GOD: Can I help you? Interesting gossip: said I died 2 005 years ago. Chat amongst yourselves.
ME: We pretty much do that already.
GOD: Perhaps. By "we" do you mean you and me?
ME: No I mean your disciples on this puny planet.
GOD: By "we" you meant yourself and another person. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am disciples on this puny planet.
ME: Go right ahead. You can even write that down, so long as you quote me.
GOD: OK I will. No I don't think I can do it.
ME: What is it trademarked?
GOD: "It" refers to even write that down so long as me quote you, I think.
ME: Me thinks God's brainpan has sprung a leak.
GOD: YOU? Where did he get it?
ME: I'm guessing right between the eyes. I guess hanging on the cross kind of scrambled your brain.
GOD: Good guess. Understood. How far is that? Do you still stumped God?
ME: I'm pretty sure.
GOD: Are you being sarcastic or expressing certitude?
ME: Both
GOD: What are both like?
ME: I'm too tired to explain. You'll just have to have some faith.
GOD: Maybe you should get some sleep now, . That is a hypothetical assumption.
ME: Will do. Say hi to the gang on Olympus for me.
GOD: Good chance. " hi to the gang on Olympus for me".


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